My last article dealt with the increase in abuse cases during the holiday season. There are several reasons, but the fact remains that this is a sad reality for some. For those lucky enough not to have experienced abuse (and, yes, you are very fortunate), the question becomes, how would you really recognize it at family gatherings or holiday parties. Here’s the top five ways people experience gaslighting and domestic abuse, with examples to illustrate each type.

1. Isolation

Abusers often isolate their victims from friends, family, and other potential sources of support. This isolation is a control tactic that makes the victim more dependent on the abuser, thereby making it difficult for the victim to leave or seek help. Let’s look at Jane and her partner, Mike. Mike insists that Jane’s friends are a bad influence and starts arguments whenever she spends time with them. Over time, Jane sees her friends less and feels guilty for wanting to socialize, believing Mike's assertions that her friends dislike him and are trying to sabotage their relationship.

I experienced isolation in my own situation whereas I was not “allowed” to work outside the home nor engage in friendly conversations with neighbors, friends or families. Although I had three kids to raise, I found myself quite lonely at times.

Can you think of any friends, family or neighbors you have not spoken to or seen in a while? When you do reach out to them, their answers are brief and to the point? How about at gatherings? Do these people tend to keep to themselves or stay close to their partner? If so, they may be experiencing some form of abuse.

2. Degradation

This form of abuse involves constant criticism, belittling, and verbal assaults designed to erode the victim’s self-esteem and self-worth. The abuser may ridicule the victim about their appearance, intelligence, or capabilities. Usually this is done in private but could spill out in public under certain circumstances. Let’s look at Lisa. Lisa is repeatedly told by her partner, Carl, that she is incompetent and useless. Carl criticizes her cooking, her dressing style, and her ability to handle finances, often in front of their children, reinforcing a sense of incompetence in Lisa.

I can relate to this one, too! Not only was I not allowed to wear certain items of clothing (think sandals), but my cooking was also criticized and told “I would rather eat my shoe.” These examples are not just one offs but occur with enough frequency over time that it truly erodes one’s self-esteem.

3. Gaslighting

Gaslighting, the new buzz word, is a psychological manipulation tactic used to make a person question their own reality, memory, or perceptions. It's a hallmark of emotional abuse that can make the victim feel insane. What does this look like? Well, whenever Karen confronts her husband, David, about his late-night absences and lies, he insists she’s paranoid and overly suspicious. David even suggests Karen might need psychiatric help for her unfounded worries, leading Karen to doubt her own perceptions and sanity.

If you want to see gaslighting in action, I encourage you to watch the 1944 movie, “Gaslight” with Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer. Yes, it is an old black and white movie but it nicely illustrates gaslighting in action.

4. Control and Surveillance

In many abusive relationships, the abuser exerts extreme control over many aspects of the victim's life, including financial resources, social interactions, and daily activities. This often includes monitoring their movements and communications. In Tom and Emily’s case, Tom insists on having all the passwords to Emily’s social media accounts and phone, checking them frequently to monitor who she talks to and where she goes. He justifies his actions by claiming it’s for her safety and because he cares about her. It is also through this type of control that isolation occurs.

5. Physical Abuse

Physical abuse is often the most recognizable form of domestic abuse. It includes any form of violence, such as hitting, punching, slapping, and other physical attacks. You may see someone wear sunglasses at inappropriate times or some other articles of clothing to hide the evidence of bruises. During arguments, Sarah’s partner becomes violent and has slapped her on multiple occasions. He apologizes profusely afterward, promising it will never happen again, but the cycle of violence repeats, leaving Sarah in fear of confrontation. Nothing feels worse than “walking on eggshells” around someone you love.

Recognizing and Responding to Abuse

Recognizing these signs can be a crucial first step in breaking the cycle of abuse. If you or someone you know is experiencing these behaviors, it is important to seek help. Many organizations and resources are dedicated to supporting victims of domestic abuse and can provide a safe space and guidance on how to deal with these difficult situations. One great organization is the Domestic Violence Awareness Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. The point is to not stay silent. The person experiencing the abuse may not be ready to make any changes but let them know you are there to support. It is time to stop the violence!

Wishing everyone a joyous holiday season!

Until next time,

Deborah Griffiths

Broken to Boldness LLC

Website: www.brokentoboldness.com

Email: brokentoboldness7@gmail.com