Can Gaslighting Be Unintentional?

Having been subjected to gaslighting myself where I have written two books on the subject, I wondered if someone could be gaslighted unintentionally.  The answer is “yes”.  So, if the answer is “yes”, how and when can gaslighting be unintentional?  Let’s look at what this is.  Unintentional gaslighting often arises when individuals, without malicious intent, invalidate or dismiss another's feelings or experiences due to their own biases, misunderstandings, or lack of awareness. It can occur in various settings, including personal relationships, workplaces, or social interactions. Here are a few examples:

 1. Parenting: A parent might tell their child, "You're just being sensitive," when the child expresses feelings of hurt or distress over certain remarks or actions. The parent may genuinely believe they are helping the child be more resilient but may unintentionally undermine the child's emotional experience. Take a minute or two to ask some further questions or discuss further so that the child feels heard.  Unresolved or unexpressed feelings will manifest in other ways down the road. 

 2. Workplace Dynamics: A manager might question an employee's account of an incident, suggesting they might have misunderstood the situation or are overreacting, especially if the manager has a pre-existing bias or if they did not witness the incident. This can lead to the employee doubting their own perceptions and feelings, even though the manager’s intent might not be to deceive. I’m sure we all have stories to share where we left thinking and feeling we were not believed.  As a former supervisor, I tried to make my employees feel safe when recounting an incident.  I wanted to get to the truth first, and foremost, but also used it as an opportunity to educate and train.  My goal was to empower my team.

 3. Healthcare: Medical professionals might dismiss patient complaints about symptoms as being "all in your head" or attribute them to stress, especially in cases where symptoms are ambiguous or do not fit standard diagnostic criteria. While usually not intended to manipulate, this can result in patients questioning their own health perceptions.  I recently experienced this firsthand when I broke my humerus bone requiring surgical repair.  I know I came away feeling frustrated but realized that the doctors, nurses and staff are busy and stressed themselves.  I came prepared with information and questions designed to ensure I received the right care without further overburdening the doctor’s time.  At the end of the day, we must all advocate for our own health.

 4. Relationships: In a relationship, one partner might dismiss the other’s feelings or memories of events, attributing disagreements to the other’s supposed poor memory or emotional state ("You never remember things correctly"), not out of a desire to manipulate but perhaps out of defensiveness or their own cognitive biases.  With this said, if this situation continues, even after the appropriate conversations, the gaslighting is no longer unintentional. 

 The common factor in all these examples is a lack of intent to manipulate or control, which distinguishes unintentional gaslighting from its more malignant form. However, the impact on the victim can be similarly harmful, leading to confusion, self-doubt, and decreased self-esteem. Awareness and communication are key in addressing and preventing even unintentional gaslighting. And don’t forget!  Know thy boundaries!

Have you experienced unintentional gaslighting? I would love to hear your story. Email me at brokentoboldness7@gmail.com.

Until next time,

Deborah Griffiths

Broken to Boldness LLC - www.brokentoboldness.com