"The Silent Strain: How to Address and Express Hidden Anger Effectively"
A few months ago, I conducted a survey asking respondents various questions designed to uncover the often-hidden struggles and challenges individuals face in their daily lives. Sixty percent of respondents replied in one question that they hide their anger or frustration from others. I am not surprised by this response as I am guilty of doing this as well. I left an abusive marriage after 17 years and found myself waking up in a psych ward after attempting suicide as I thought that was my only avenue of escape. I later learned that depression (which led to the suicide attempt) is anger turned inwards.
I had to dig deeper into why I allowed myself to get to this point. I learned that anger is a natural emotion that everyone experiences from time to time. Even Jesus experienced anger as he flipped the tables of the money changers in the temple. Just because we can get angry doesn’t mean we are comfortable expressing it. Why hide our anger? The reasons vary and include psychological, social and cultural issues. While keeping anger under wraps might seem like the best way to maintain harmony, it can lead to long-term emotional distress as I found out.
One major reason people hide their anger is the fear of social repercussions. In many cultures, anger is often seen as a negative emotion, associated with loss of control or hostility. People worry that showing anger might lead to judgment, criticism, or even rejection by others. The fear of being perceived as weak or unprofessional can drive individuals to suppress their emotions, opting to maintain a composed exterior instead. Yes, I have “control issues” and like to appear that I am always cool, calm and collected.
Avoiding conflict is another common reason for concealing anger. Confrontations can be uncomfortable, and many people prefer to keep the peace rather than risk escalating a situation. The idea of potentially damaging relationships or creating tension can be daunting, leading individuals to hide their true feelings to avoid rocking the boat. I am guilty of this one too. I would much rather have someone like me for what they see (or think they see) than to express any feelings of disappointment or sadness.
Psychologically, some individuals may have been conditioned to suppress their anger from a young age. Growing up in environments where anger was not tolerated or where emotional expression was discouraged can lead to internalizing these feelings. Over time, this suppression becomes a habit, making it difficult to recognize and express anger, even when it’s warranted.
However, hiding anger is not without consequences. Suppressed anger can lead to stress, anxiety, and even depression. It can strain relationships, as unexpressed emotions often find other, less healthy outlets. To avoid these negative outcomes, I’ve had to learn how to express anger in a healthy way.
Here are some tips for healthy anger expression that I have use (even to this day):
Acknowledge Your Feelings: Recognize when you’re feeling angry. It’s okay to feel this way, and acknowledging it is the first step toward addressing it.
Take a Pause: Before reacting, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts. This can prevent impulsive reactions that you might later regret.
Communicate Clearly: Use “I” statements to express how you feel without blaming others. For example, say, “I feel frustrated when…” instead of “You always…”
Choose the Right Time and Place: Address your anger in a setting where you can have a calm and constructive conversation, free from distractions.
Seek Resolution, Not Revenge: Focus on resolving the issue rather than retaliating or holding grudges. Healthy anger expression aims to improve understanding and relationships, not to harm others.
Practice Relaxation Techniques: Incorporate relaxation exercises like deep breathing, meditation, or physical activity into your routine to help manage anger before it builds up.
By understanding the reasons behind hidden anger and practicing healthy expression techniques, you can improve your emotional well-being and foster better relationships. Remember, anger is a natural emotion, and learning how to express it constructively is key to leading a balanced life.