Almost 30 years ago, I found myself waking up in a psych ward realizing that I survived a suicide attempt.  The doctor came in and simply said, “Your environment is making you sick.”  That statement got my wheels in motion.  Laying in that room I reflected on the past seventeen years and what led me to attempt suicide.  I came to the heartbreaking conclusion I was not happy in my marriage and realized that I was constantly walking on eggshells.  Nothing I said or did was ever good enough.  I was always to blame for the slightest infraction and, quite simply, I wasn’t treated well.  In those days, they referred to this as verbal abuse.  Now they coin this gaslighting.

The marriage produced three children – two boys and one girl.  I began to think about them and what kind of mother they deserved to help raise them into happy, productive human beings.  I also realized that the cycle of abuse needed to end so that they had a chance in life – not to repeat the abuse and certainly not fall victims to it.  So, I drew the line in the sand, left the marriage and began the process of rebuilding my life. 

Over the course of the next 30 years, I obtained my college degree, climbed the corporate ladder, and raised my children.  A couple of years ago, I published my first novel, "Torched - Burnt By A Gaslighter", a fictional story based on true events outlining the red flags and subtleties of gaslighting and abuse.   My follow-up novel, "Open Up! A Guide for Every Woman Who Has Been Abused, Rejected and Isolated to Tell Her Story, Discover Her Purpose and Create the Life and Business of Her Dreams", is a resource guide to help those wishing to leave toxic relationships what they should consider or need when doing so.  When I left the relationship all those years ago, there was no guide or reference material.  I figured it out as I went along, and it would have been easier with a guide.  Raising awareness on this subject has now become a passion as I would love to see the end of domestic abuse in my lifetime.

Until I opened up about my own experiences, I shied away from watching or reading anything related to abuse.  I didn’t want to get triggered as I had worked so hard to rebuild my life.  When I completed “Torched”, I remember sitting back and thrilled with the progress I had made.  No longer was I triggered by past events.  I realized how far I had come, and I was elated. 

Last weekend I went to see “It Ends With Us” starring Blake Lively based on a book of the same name written by Colleen Hoover.  This compelling story is of a woman, Lily Bloom, who overcomes a traumatic childhood witnessing her own mother being physically abused by her father.  Lily moves to a big city to start her own business when she meets a neurosurgeon, falls in love, marries, and realizes that he, too, is abusive.  I won’t give away how the movie ends but I will commend its attempts at showing how subtle abuse is and why victims easily dismiss or find excuses for the abuse.  The movie did a decent job at showing the struggle women undertake when deciding to either stay or leave toxic relationships. 

My only criticism is with the ending of the movie.  The film should have included the staggering statistics of domestic abuse as well as the phone number for National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE).  Doing so would have packed a potent punch to drive this message home.

 For the record, here are some statistics provided by the National Domestic Violence Hotline:

·         An average of 24 people per minute are victims of rape, physical violence or stalking by an intimate partner in the United States — more than 12 million women and men over the course of a single year.

·         Nearly 3 in 10 women (29%) and 1 in 10 men (10%) in the US have experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by a partner and reported it having a related impact on their functioning.

·         Just under 15% of women (14.8%) and 4% of men in the US have been injured as a result of intimate partner violence that included rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner.

·         1 in 4 women (24.3%) and 1 in 7 men (13.8%) aged 18 and older in the US have been the victim of severe physical violence by an intimate partner in their lifetime.

·         Intimate partner violence alone affects more than 12 million people every year.

·         Over 1 in 3 women (35.6%) and 1 in 4 men (28.5%) in the US have experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime.

·         Almost half of all women and men in the US have experienced psychological aggression by an intimate partner in their lifetime (48.4% and 48.8%, respectively).

·         Women ages 18 to 24 and 25 to 34 generally experience the highest rates of intimate partner violence.

·         From 1994 to 2010, approximately 4 in 5 victims of intimate partner violence were female.

·         Most female victims of intimate partner violence were previously victimized by the same offender at rates of 77% for women ages 18 to 24, 76% for ages 25 to 34, and 81% for ages 35 to 49.

 It will take all of us to end this epidemic.  February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month and October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.  Please support these efforts.  I also encourage you to see the movie, “It Ends With Us.”  Take a friend.  Have the discussion.  You never know – it may save a life!

Please feel free to reach out to me at brokentoboldness7@gmail.com and let me know how I can better serve you!

Until next time!

Deborah Griffiths

Broken to Boldness LLC - www.brokentoboldness.com